Lately, I had been thinking about relationships and what people do when they do something to offend their significant other. When I was kid, I never really had anyone around me who was big on apologies. I never really saw gestures that acknowledge fault. What I did see was a whole bunch of people pass the blame or simply ignore each other until the problem went away.
Great example for a kid, eh? In case it doesn’t translate properly, I’m being sarcastic. So I grew up with that terrible habit and my several strings of online relationships didn’t really help break me out of it either. I got to meet great people, yes, but whenever I would have a disagreement with someone I was dating, it was so easy to just log off and/or worse: block them and look for someone else.
Anyway, on the idea of apologies, I noticed that a lot of people now use their social media to do their “apologies”. High five if you’ve ever seen a “I love you. I don’t know how to make it up to you but I will try. Please forgive me.” pass through your social media news feed. A lot of people would usually think that it was a sweet gesture. But when you look at it, like really look at it, is it really?
Let me break down my logic for you. On the side of the offender, it might be a sincere attempt to really put your feelings out there. But how ‘out there’ does it need to be? Is your apology post for your partner or for yourself? Think about it. When you’ve had your feelings hurt, most people stew for a bit. They need to sort things out on their side of things. How do they feel about what happened? What do they want to do about it? What do they expect their partner to do? Those sorts of emotions can be riotous and most people will need a moment (or several) to themselves.
So place yourself in that hurt and confused state, figure that you’d need a distraction and go on FB and BAM! your significant other had placed a status like that for everyone (at least to the extent of their privacy setting will allow) to see. Now, people who are in your friend list are hopefully there because they ARE actual friends. And if they are really your friends, they’d be concerned. More often than not, likes and comments will come streaming in. The “What happened?”, “Just talk it out and it’ll be fine!”, and the “You guys will pull through this one for sure!” ideas will be said.
Do you really need the additional pressure that brings? Do you want your misgivings summarily dismissed by a ‘it’ll be fine’ by someone who doesn’t know what’s wrong? It’s placing unnecessary stress on an already stressful situation. If you screwed up and screwed up badly, it doesn’t always follow that your partner has to forgive you. So, for me, putting up a status like that is not putting yourself on a humility-based-see-how-sorry-I-am blast. It’s putting none-too-subtle coercion of “forgive me already” on your significant other. That’s actually really pretty selfish.
Apologies are handed out, yes, but it isn’t an assured thing that you’ll be forgiven in the time-frame you want. If you are sincere in your regret, you’ll wait. In a mature relationship, your partner would have ideally given you a chance to air out your side and explanations for whatever issue it is. After that, you don’t bully your girlfriend or boyfriend or wife or husband into accepting your apology because you’re “so sorry” and that “you want things to be okay”.
You wait. You listen. When they’re ready, then healing can begin. If they aren’t then respect your partner and respect yourself. Most of all, respect the relationship.
A relationship is between two people not you, your partner, and your entire friend list. The same way that you wouldn’t want prying eyes when you’re being physically intimate with each other, why would you share an intimate moment like an apology, the wait, and the healing on a public forum?
So the next time a misunderstanding happens and you’re tempted to post a status over how sorry you are, put it on hold and ask yourself: Is this for my partner or am I doing it for myself?
Being Arienne Jane 